Triathlon: The World According to Gurujan: What do When You Really Have to Go

Back when I was still on submarines, we used to say that one of the marks of a good officer was having a 6 hour bladder. That way you could make it through your watch without getting someone to relieve you for to go to the bathroom.

So as I was sitting on the ground at our triathlon team's running practice, I started laughing when one of the girls on the team asked our coach, Gurujan, what to do when you have to go to the bathroom on the course. Going with my old submarine instincts, I muttered to myself, "You hold it stupid." How wrong I was.

Like the answers to all difficult questions, Gurujan said it depends. First, if there's a port a potty or a gas station along the course, you could stop and use one of those. The positives are that you will have some privacy. The down side is that you lose time by stopping and leaving the course. Also, you need to make sure not to make any forward progress when you reenter the course as that would lead to potential disqualification. Secondly, you could go on the side of the course. Another girl on our team said this is what she did at the Lavaman triathlon. The positives are that you don't lose as much time looking for a real bathroom. The downside is that you can't be easily embarrassed. The girl who did it a Lavaman said that she had zero bushes/trees to hide behind and everyone passing by could see her. Another downside is that nudity is often against the rules at most triathlons. Gurujan told us that it would probably get us kicked out of the race at Pacific Grove as the 70 year old millionaires who live up there wouldn't feel good about seeing us piss in their roses. Finally, the best option according to Gurujan is just to wet yourself. He said that trying to hold it is a definite no-no and the aforementioned options all have too many downsides. Therefore, your best option is to just to go in your wetsuit (preferred as it also provides warmth) or in your shorts while on the bike or running. If you're embarrassed, he recommended camouflaging it by dousing yourself with gatorade. Apparently, wetting oneself is easier said than done. He was very proud of having completed the trifecta at the recent Wildflower Triathlon. I was half expecting that he was going to include this as one of our practical factors for one of our upcoming workouts. Luckily, he left that out.